How often do we hear the word “abundance” and think to ourselves: “If only.”

If only I could use that word to describe MY situation with… well, fill in the blank: finances, health, body image, sex, happiness, relationships, space, time… you name it. Right? If you’re anything like me, it’s probably easier for your brain to focus on the LACK of abundance in your life than to consider that with a quick reframe, ABUNDANCE might be a word that is well within your reach.

Yet abundance isn’t something you either have or you don’t. The truth is we all have it in some areas of our life. Our frame makes all the difference. In the worst of scenarios, our natural abundance may be intangible or hidden from view. In the best cases, it’s right there under our nose…. we’ve just turned our gaze a little too far out toward the horizon.

In a few hours I will board a plane in San Francisco for Miami, then Port-au-Prince Haiti. This will be the third time in the past year that I make the journey. In reflection, I realize a lot of things have changed. One year ago I was living in a small uncomfortable flat the UK, I did not identify myself a musician, I was not financially secure and I was not aware of the immense potential for creative expansion of my work that was about to unfold in my life.  All I knew at that time was that I felt called.

In retrospect, I believe that Haiti’s lesson for me was one in abundance. Despite the devastation that still plagues the city of Port-au-Prince since the earth in 2010, and the widespread poverty affecting rural communities on the island, there is an undercurrent of abundance that I cannot explain. An abundance of dignity. An abundance of intuition. An abundance of creativity and music. An abundance of national pride. An abundance of magic, in many ways.

My sister (who had been living and working there for some time before I arrived) gave me the warning: Haiti will give you exactly what you need. The island has gifts for you. She cautioned me not to think of my trip as a “volunteer project” in which I would be the giver and the communities would be the recipient of some kind of charity. Rather she described in a compelling way the prospect of mutual exchange. You bring your natural abundance (not money or aid but rather my natural gifts and my unique personality that would make a difference to those I would meet)… and the people of Haiti will share their natural abundance with you.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that the gift I was to receive – and to share – was music. The Haitian approach to community organization, whether formal or informal, often involves a guitar, a drum or an emcee with a very loud microphone and children singing their prayers.  As promised, Haiti offered me an abundance of opportunities to participate in the musical culture, from student performances to traveling Rara Bands to impromptu evening jam sessions by lamplight. Though participation scared the hell out of me, it became clear that my own gift of abundance was re-ignited in this otherwise desperate place. My soul remembered that I have always had the music in me. It was only a matter of saying “yes” out loud.

This week I invite you to consider the color, shape, texture and sensation of your own natural abundance. What do you take for granted about yourself? What used to shine through with abandon when you were just three or four years old that’s been covered up by the dust of the daily grind.  Begin by allowing yourself to remember. Better yet, stick out your tongue and lick the spoon…. Dip your toe back in, even if its just a few minutes a day. And let your lungs breath a giant sigh of relief when they realize you’re no longer obsessing about all the ways you just don’t have enough.

In your fitness routine, first and foremost connect with the simple JOY of movement. There are hundreds of books and articles that describe benefits of physical activity that we take for granted when we move in order to get a “result” out of our body. Rather than focus on what needs to change (I’m too chubby, too weak, too stiff, too tired…) allow yourself to enjoy what is. No matter your shape, size or fitness level, literally just moving your body stimulates an abundance of new energy, while triggering the elimination of toxins. Why not focus on THAT?  And while you’re at it, you might take an intention to re-balance your perspective on the body you’ve got. I enjoy my abundantly curvy, sensual body. I celebrate the progress I have made since last year. When I move, I experience an abundance of grace and self-expression. I have an abundance of potential to learn new moves with this body of mine.

In life, connecting with a natural sense of abundance is not unlike looking at the glass as half full. The goal, however, is not to be unrealistic or trick your mind into believing something that isn’t true. Rather the goal is to be in FULL REALTIY about the situation. And the reality is, things aren’t nearly as bad as our ego or fears would have us believe!  For example, if you tend to feel overwhelmed with your work, think of it this way: do you have an abundance of clients? An abundance of good ideas that are begging to be developed right now? Or, perhaps you are one of those people who doesn’t have much work coming in at the moment. Are you enjoying an abundance of free time? An abundance of space in which you could be re-envisioning your career?

This week I challenge you to stay connected to your natural abundance and observe what happens. What else begins flow forth when you really allow yourself to celebrate what is?

Abundantly Yours,

LeeAnn

PS – I realized this morning that I’ve written an ABUNDANCE of blog posts in the last two years. This post is #97, to be specific. Celebrating THAT today!

PPS – a good friend once heard that “abundance” is just A-BUN-Dance… so if you get up and shake your ass, you’ll have it!

These days, when we hear the word conscious, it’s easy to imagine an Enlightened Being in a long robe sitting for hours in meditation. In other words, it’s easy to imagine we’re talking about something other than a simple, practical approach we can cultivate in our own day-to-day lives. Instead I’d like to propose that consciousness is, at its essence, a practice in paying attention. We are conscious when we intentionally bring our AWARNESS to a topic, person or situation.

I believe that conscious relationship is about deeply listening (to both myself and the other party) for what is true and real in the moment. So simple, yet so not easy! If that one element is present, a whole host of other things will fall into place. Genuine, authentic conversations unfold. Needs get met, often intuitively and synchronistically. Relationship gets easier. Without it, however, we find ourselves executing on future plans that don’t actually make sense in the present tense, and working toward unconscious goals that fail to align with what we most care about.

For example,

I recently sat down to dinner with a friend. We’d been looking forward to seeing each other for a while, and I couldn’t wait to enjoy the delicious meal we had just ordered. Yet something had also been nagging at me in the weeks prior. There had been a few miscommunications between us that had left me feeling hurt. While I didn’t really believe our friendship was on shaky ground, it seemed important to talk about this issue. Because, seriously? I’m a life coach and I’m supposed to be good at communication, right? What would the world think of me if I left stuff like this hanging?

Well, those weren’t my exact thoughts at the time. Though they say hindsight is 20/20. Nonetheless, I did sit down with a sort of intense, ambiguous sense that this issue was important.  So important, in fact, that it was the first thing I brought up when my friend asked: “How’ve you been?” Rather than spend a joyful evening together re-cultivating our connection in the moment, we defensively rehashed the past few weeks and parted ways on slightly tense terms. So much for the life coach who ought to know how to do “good communication.”

In retrospect, it reminds me of a friendship I ended several years ago with a woman I still hold fondly in my heart. We lived many miles apart and with each of our busy lives, we would only reach out to connect by phone about every six months. One of us would call the other, and we couldn’t wait to reconnect. But she would be so upset about the fact that we hadn’t spoken sooner that we’d spend the first thirty minutes of every call talking about how upset she was. I knew that “feeling abandoned” was a sensitivity she carried from her childhood. AND I knew I wasn’t abandoning her.

As you might imagine, I eventually stopped calling. All I wanted was to be with my friend in the moment. I wanted to start from now and be recognized for the effort I was making to reach out. Or at least I wanted to enjoy the conversation and feel closer as we spoke. Of course I cared about her needs and her feelings. It wasn’t an either-or. Conscious relationship isn’t about not having the difficult conversations. In some cases, conscious relationship calls us to say or do the tougher thing (e.g. “I’m hurting right now in response to what you just said…what I need is… would you be willing to…?”). But it DOES ask us to be consistent with our authentic in-the-moment experience and pay attention to whether our pain comes from our conversation partner – or rather from some part of our past experience that has nothing to do with them.

This week I invite you to cultivate (another lofty word!) your capacity for Conscious Relationship in movement and in your life.

What does conscious relationship feel like in the body? In your movement practice, you might experiment with bringing focused awareness to just one body part. Feel free to choose a part of your body that sometimes feels pain (e.g. your lower back, your left knee), or a part from which you often feel disconnected (e.g. the bottoms of your feet). Take an intention to be in relationship with that body part as you move. What is it feeling? How are you feeling about it? What is it asking of you? What can you co-create?

So often move to get fit or accomplish some other results-oriented goal. Notice if you are doing that AT THE EXPENSE of your relationship with your chosen body part.  How would consciously prioritizing the relationship change the way you go about your exercise routine? Would we do fewer squats if you were relating in the present moment with our knees or low back?? And would you then feel less pain?

Positive, proactive change always begins with awareness.

In life, I invite you this week to take careful note of when you are thinking, feeling and expressing yourself from the THE PAST or THE FUTURE versus THE PRESENT MOMENT. Bring your awareness to the goal you are holding “between the lines.” Are you diving into a brainstorming conversation with the “right” solution already in mind? Are you triggered and feeling emotion that has more to do with what your mother said when you were three years old than what your partner actually said just now? What would it be to re-center in the now?

How would that change your experience of relationship this week?

The rock is stable right down to its core. It doesn’t move, change shape, or bend. The rock is reliable. You know it will be there in the same position, doing the same thing day in and day out. You know you can lean on it when you need to. Yet the rock is also stubborn. It’s big and heavy and difficult to move. You may think I should be different, but it’s not likely to see things your way. It’s nature is that of a steady “no.” I AM and I AM NOT.  The rock is taking a stand about who it is and is not, what it is and is not willing to do.

The jellyfish, on the other hand, constantly moves. It does not have a proper shape of its own – rather it goes with the flow, changing shape depending upon its surroundings. It bends and folds and curls and tangles. It says “yes!”  Yes to change, yes to movement, yes to influence, yes to new ideas, forms and directions.  Yet the jellyfish may lack integrity. It may be pushed in was that compromise its own well-being. It may be pulled and pressed and even ground to dust under the pressure of the elements that surround it. The jellyfish is open to the unknown and is willing to follow the current of life, wherever it may lead.

Lately I am aware that neither option is reliably “better.” And that both options are, to some degree, an oversimplification of my personality and the choices I need to make.

For example?

Well, FOR EXAMPLE, there is nothing like an intimate relationship to put us in front of our most difficult choices! In the past week I’ve observed myself wavering between inflexible and boundary-less, strong and fluid, certain and spontaneous… never quite knowing along the way if I was on the right track.

I have found myself asking the same questions over and over again: how do I know when it’s necessary to be strong? To take a stand? To insist?  How do I know when it’s healthy to bend? To go with the flow? To allow myself to be “pushed around” for the sake of a larger goal?

The best answer I’ve found so far is: trial and error. “Stumble forward,” as we often say at Learning as Leadership. What I DO know however is that when both options are well practiced I’m more likely to choose the right move in the moment…

This week I invite you to explore the two sensations “stability” and “mobility” in your movement practice. Whether you dance, swim, jog or practice martial arts, feel into the aspects of you that can and need to be “like a rock” as you move. Do you require a stable foundation in order to kick or punch with full force? Does a solid stable core give you the capacity to leap or twirl with graceful ease?  What would it be to cultivate greater stability through your body?

Also, regardless of your craft, take note of the place where you need like soft, fluid and moveable like the jellyfish. How does freeing up the spinal column improve the rhythm and pace of your steps? Does allowing more mobility in your knees change your relationship with balance?

When I practice this focus, I often notice that the two sensations work together to create a whole and complete movement experience. My body knows that sacrificing one at the expense of the other can lead to injury if over done.

And so it is in life.

Pick one important relationship and observe the balance of stability and mobility that you bring.  In your thoughts, words and way of being, do you tend to be “like a rock”? Or are you more likely to let yourself constantly be “pushed around” by the tide. Practice listening to the situation for what is most needed, rather than relying on your default response. Notice what shifts when you really tune in. Explore the nature of a healthy balance this week.

Learning when to bend,

LeeAnn

Thank you body for feeling tired, I know that you need rest.

Thank you body for shutting down, I know that you are afraid.

Thank you body for your disarray, I know that you are healing.

Thank you body for feeling so alive this morning, I know I have got enough rest.

Thank you body for these extra few pounds, I know that you are keeping me safe.

Thank you body for missing the steps, I know that you are learning something new.

Thank you body for my grumpy mood, I know that you need patience.

Thank you body for the gray hairs, I know that you have enjoyed many wonderful years on this planet.

Thank you body for being exactly as you are, I know that I am me…

and there’s no one I’d rather be today.

I woke up this morning with a line from an old Billy Joel song running through my head: “I could not love you any better… I love you just the way you are.”  Wouldn’t it be heavenly to hear those words sung sweetly to me by a lover or friend? It got me thinking about the way we tend to love ourselves. I’ll love me if… I’ll accept me when… I’ll approve of me, but only under these circumstances or when these criteria are met…

We do it automatically. Without thinking so many of us, myself included, put boundaries and conditions on our own loveability. And yet true healing, whether body, mind or spirit, requires us to find another way.

In 2007 I adopted a Shiba Inu. Although I was realistic about the fact that becoming a dog owner would change my life in many ways, I couldn’t have guessed just how dramatic the changes would be.  The responsible type, I had done my homework about the breed. All of the research seemed to concur: Shiba Inus are notorious for their strong canine instincts, alpha nature and don’t-tell-me-what-to-do attitude. They area also known to become aggressive with other dogs, and to escaping quickly if allowed off leash. Yet Shiba Inu owners seemed to really love their canine companions. Though I couldn’t put my finger on why, I couldn’t see myself adopting any other breed.

What’s more, my particular Shiba was the only one left from her litter on the day I arrived to take her home. She seemed frightened, jumpy and antisocial, running from toys and hiding behind my legs. I literally spent 5 ½ hours that day deciding whether I would really take the plunge. What was this odd behavior? This wasn’t what I’d bargained for. Was she damaged in some way? Would she ever warm up to me? So in addition to everything I’d read, there was a new layer of potential drama.

I tell this story to highlight the fact that anything and everything could have gone wrong. There were fifty reasons why I could have said “this isn’t a “good” dog for me…” or anyone else for that matter. Instead I decided to dive in and accept her for EXACTLY who she was, quirks, flaws and all.  There was no other way, and I never looked back.

Today I can say with 100% conviction that I chose EXACTY the right dog for me. People literally stop me in the street to converse with us. What a wonderful dog! Our chemistry is dynamic. She is without a doubt my favorite dog on the planet, and I love her unconditionally. My Shiba trained me to play on her strengths and work around her weaknesses. She doesn’t respond to punishment, so I learned to ignore her mistakes and reward her progress. She requires 100% connection off leash, and in this way we learned to hike together in the Downs of Sussex, UK and the neighborhoods of Berkeley, California.

Over the years my Shiba has taught me to be UNCONDITIONAL with my love – not as a mental concept but as an embodied practice. Her response (or lack of response) to my approach provides instant feedback when I’ve lost my center. I am centered, I am accepting, she responds. I am angry, off base, in my ego… well you don’t want to be around to watch. Because she isn’t a human being, I haven’t had room for excuses like: “well when she finally stops biting me, then I’ll love her” or “that’s it, she’s got to lose 5 pounds and then we’ll see about that new bone she’s been wanting.”

You laugh? Yet it’s exactly how many of us treat OURSELVES!

I will be acceptable when I can finally get the steps right… when I finally stop losing my temper over stupid stuff… when I finally get my finances in order… when I am finally a size six and stay there…  No wonder we are forever on edge, falling back into our “bad” behaviors again and again!  Isn’t it anxiety provoking to believe that you MUST change if you’re ever going to deserve your own love? And aren’t we that much more likely to make “mistakes” when we are anxious and on edge?

What would it be to practice the word UNCONDITIONAL in your relationship with YOU this week?

In your movement practice, allow your body to be EXACTLY as it is in each moment. Tell your body: I accept you UNCONDITIONALLY, even if you hurt, you are uncoordinated, you make mistakes, you feel unfit. And because I accept you so, I will only ask you to do things that are RIGHT for you at this time. I will challenge you, but I won’t push beyond your limits. And I certainly won’t beat you up for things that are beyond your reach. AND I will DELIGHT in the things you can and do accomplish! Celebrate your body and seek JOY in the movement that is accessible to you today. In Nia we call it honoring “Your Body’s Way.”

In life, choose one big thing about yourself to STOP APOLOGIZING FOR right this minute. Maybe it’s your weight, your temper, your mood swings, your insecurity. For the rest of the week, practice loving yourself UNCONDITIONALLY – EVEN IF you are too fat, too angry, too moody or too insecure.  If you catch yourself thinking or saying I’m sorry, follow it up with: no I’m not, that is just who I am today. Notice what it’s like to own that part of yourself rather than push it away. Notice that it isn’t the ONLY part of yourself. You might even call upon the other great things about you to balance a situation out if needed (e.g. rather than apologize for your ANGER, call upon your CARING to work through the situation and get to the other side.)

As you practice the state of UNCONDITIONAL with yourself, also notice what shifts in the relationships around you. You might find that it’s contagious!

(and wouldn’t that be great?)

Unconditionally Yours,

LeeAnn

Like art and music, physical movement can provide us an opportunity to connect with the divine.  Have you ever stumbled into a moment like this in your own movement practice?

Irish poet David Whyte articulates his creative process as a remarkably physical experience – “its as though you are catching the edge, staying just ahead of the words, as you find yourself saying things that you didn’t know you knew, in beautiful language that is able to go unblocked by human defenses – your readers’ and your own.” Once you have done it, you know what it feels like. You can learn to return there again and again. You become a channel for that which is larger and that which is truer than your self.

While the self creates a useful identity through which we orient with the world around us, the magic moments of going beyond the self provide an inspirational counterpoint to everyday existence.

My own gateway into the beyond has always been through dance (though these days music comes in a close second, as for me the two are inextricably linked).  Last week, in an empty studio in Berkeley, with a question about “devotional” practice having taken root in the back of my mind, I surrendered more deeply into the FREEDANCE I’ve done for so many years.  Within minutes the practice took on an entirely new dimension. At some stage I was no longer myself. I was connected above and below. The movement came through me. In that, I understood an iteration of me that was much larger, more infinite – that didn’t obey the rules of time or space. I was both young and very old at the same time. I was past, present and future at once. Or I wasn’t at all. Quite simply, the movement was.

What I discovered is that I had only to ask, then get out of the way. The creative source of support and inspiration… the opportunity to become much larger than myself… was surprisingly within reach.

Now, you might be thinking, “I couldn’t possibly do that.” Or “why would I want to! It sounds crazy!” Or even “devotion to what?? I don’t believe in God or a higher power!”  If so, I extend to you my acceptance and respect. These thoughts are familiar to me (as early as this morning… the path, it turns out, is not linear as we might expect.) This kind of devotion may not be for everyone. Or it may take some of us a while to warm up to the idea.

But if you feel inside a curiosity. A pull. A longing. A relief… well then I extend to you an outstretched hand. This week I invite you to explore the possibility for yourself. Using your own movement practice as a starting point, ask the question: What would it be to surrender into something larger than me?

What would it be to reach out in devotion, and trust that you would be met in the expansive realm of the divine?

Going Beyond,

LeeAnn

Often our early experiences with transition color the way we navigate them later in life. For me, an early childhood memory of swim lessons sticks in my mind. At that time it was common practice to teach infant survival skills by placing small kids in a “boat,” pushing the boat into the middle of a swimming pool, tipping it over and encouraging them to swim safely to the water’s edge.  Though I discounted this memory as silly for a very long time, the truth is that quick transitions make me incredibly anxious! In fact, when I sense a change coming and don’t feel fully prepared, I can expect to feel an overwhelming sense of dread, and quite often I physically freeze, holding my breath. (Also, to this day if I swim, it’s hard for me to literally get in the water).

These imprints aren’t bad, they are just a part of who we are. Bringing our attention to moments of transition can teach us a lot about ourselves. Taking a clear intention about how we will dance with the transition itself can smooth the way, leading to a greater sense of grace.

These days, when I take a Nia class with a Black Belt level instructor, I am often impressed with the smoothness and ease that they seem to exude while teaching. Its great to experience these masters at work – I end up feeling calmer and smoother myself. Watching a fellow teacher, Jill Hoff, for the first time this weekend I realized that much of the skill she brought was in the realm of powerful and present transitioning. She knew what move was coming next and effortlessly guided us there. Though I had no idea what she was about to do next, there was never a moment where I felt clumsy, lost or confused. Her cuing was impeccable, but beyond that, it was as though some part of her physical body was transmitting the next move well in advance.

Not unlike Jill’s fitness instruction, proponents of the Law of Attraction make the case that projecting ourselves into the future is a useful tool for life creation. According to the teaching, it’s possible to project a positive outcome into each upcoming activity in our lives by setting an intention at the moment of transition. In fact, we do it all the time – just not on purpose. How many times have you heard the phone ring and thought “oh, it’s my mother in law (mother, son, husband etc.)… this is gonna be painful!”  And what to do you get? You guessed it. Imagine deciding on purpose to use that brief transition time to proactively re-set your attitude and gracefully enter the next exchange. This is the mark of a masterful manifestor at work.

This week I invite you to bring an extra level of awareness to these moments of transition.

In your movement practice, the metaphoric representation of transition may be as simple as the transfer of weight from one foot to the next while walking. With each step, we move from left brain to right brain, masculine to feminine, off balance to on balance. Though the majority of us have come to take this simple motion for granted, observe a toddler taking her first few steps and its easy to see the incredible amount of detail and effort involved.  When you move, do you rush from one motion to the next? In your fitness class, do you stumble when the steps change? It may be that you can cultivate a sense of grace and ease simply by bringing greater attention to the moment of transition.

In life, transition is literally everywhere. Transition might look like the large scale life changes that take us into or out of important relationships, or from one geographic location to another. But transition can also be the smaller daily changes that we often forget require energy and attention: transitioning from work to home at the end of the day, moving into and out of connection with an intimate partner, shifting from kid-speak to adult conversation at the dinner table. Notice what new possibilities open up when you pay extra special attention to transitions. If you feel more competent, more relaxed, less anxious or more graceful you’re probably on the right track…

Have you ever felt stuck in an emotional state? Can you remember a time (maybe in the not-so-distant past) when every fiber of your being seemed to resist your best efforts to get happy or take some useful action?  If you’re anything like me, you can not only remember these times. You have come to expect that, well, “there will be days like that.”

It’s part of the human condition.

What’s particular here in the West, and now in the 21^st Century, is that we often forget we have options. Much of our current social world is built on an unspoken requirement to disguise or hide these states, the result of which is that we end up feeling alone with our emotions. “I must be the only one feeling this way…” Yet if you brought together a group of 100 randomly selected people – even top executives – you would quickly come to realize that each and every person in the room has their own story, their own heartbreak, their own version of depression, and their own anger to heal.

The challenge is not our emotions. The challenge is that we fail to acknowledge them, and therefore we can’t possibly learn how to manage them in a healthy way.

In most indigenous cultures, illness and emotion is not dealt with alone. In many cases, an entire community will rally to support a friend to shift and heal. Using music, chanting, understanding, encouragement and non-judgment. In these cultures the RATTLE is often used as an instrument to initiate changes in emotional state. The sonic resonance of the shaking, clacking sound breaks up stuck energy in the body and encourages the molecules to literally shift shape, creating a marked difference in emotional experience. From this place, a new emotional state can begin to form.

In my own Nia Technique movement practice, I have found that shaking the physical body can have a similar effect. Like the sound of the rattle, a shake, shimmy, quiver or shiver seems to unlodge my negativity and open the door for physical and emotional healing to take place. (Of course, animals do this instinctively after a tense encounter as a way of discharging adrenaline and returning to a relaxed state). In Nia, if the movement coincides with a rattle or pulse in the music, all the better!

Whether your keen to shake and shimmy, or prefer to simply go for a jog, my guess is you can relate to the experience. When feeling depressed, frustrated or overwhelmed, tackling a physical challenge is often just the ticket to jostle what’s stuck and free you up to a new perspective.

This week in your movement practice, I invite you to take a particular intention to CHANGE STATE. If you have a regular movement practice, the change may happen without you doing anything different at all. In that case, just observe and express your gratitude for the awesome benefit that your practice brings.

Or perhaps your particular brand of movement doesn’t quite get you there. If not, I encourage you to try something different this week. “Shake things up” so to speak with a different kind of class, music or simply movement. Grab a pair of maracas and shake them for 3 minutes when you’re feeling blue. Turn on some rowdy music and literally stomp your feet or shake your arms and torso (again sustaining for 3 minutes can make a difference). When you’re done, sit or lie down for a few minutes and notice the changes happening in your physical and emotional body.  This very short and non-resource-intensive practice is always available to you.

In life, take the time to notice the incredible impact that your emotional state has on everything you do. From your effectiveness at work to the quality of your communication in intimate relationships, there may be ways your STATE is actually in the driver’s seat taking YOU for a ride. Notice how your STATE might be derailing your most important goals… and take heart. It is time to trust that you have a choice.

What would it be to take ownership of that state in a healthy, productive way? What would you reveal that you typically keep hidden?  What would you let go of that you typically hold onto tightly? Who might you ask for support?

The entire ocean is affected by a pebble. ~Blaise Pascal

With all of the internal dialog, it’s not surprising that entire segments of the landscape get missed. A friendly hello. An offering of connection and camaraderie.  A caring mentor who wants to support your growth. How easy it is to get wrapped up in our thoughts, fears and protective stances when ultimately what we most crave is an authentic sense of belonging.

In my work as an executive coach, I have a client whose habit is talking too much. In fact, more than a habit, it’s become his overarching reputation. Friends, family members and colleagues know that when he opens his mouth, they’d better take a deep breath and settle in. Unfortunately this can go hand in hand with a lot of eye rolling and not really listening to what he has to say.

Not long ago we were able to pinpoint what drives him in these moments. His greatest need is to feel SEEN and ACCEPTED. When we named it together, it hit us both like a ton of bricks – so simple and yet not easy at the same time. When he is afraid his need won’t be met, he keeps talking to ward off the fear, trying and trying again. The irony is that his strong desire to connect can end up pushing people away.

I see myself in this client many times a day. I speak to feel safe, to feel seen, to soothe myself, to become understood. It reminds me that personal growth is not about being “fixed” or solving the issue once and for all… rather it’s a path that we keep walking moment by moment. In the past week, when I found myself communicating to someone else for MY sake, I attempted to breath and literally open my eyes.  Who was this person on the other end of my words?  What could I share that would create the most meaningful connection between us?

This week I invite you to ask yourself the question: What if you didn’t make it about you this time? What else would be there to fill the space?

In your movement practice, take an intention to get out of the way and offer the practice up to something larger than yourself. In yoga or meditation, you might surrender your personal thoughts and offer a contribution to the collective level of consciousness on the planet.  If you dance, perhaps you will engage with the energy of the group itself and contribute your physical and emotional energy toward a collective experience of Joy. If you run, bike or swim, remember an important cause that inspires you, or dedicate your practice to a friend or loved one in need of support. Notice if it helps you literally go the extra mile…

In the rest of your life, I invite you to be impeccable with your communication. When the words take form in the back of your throat, ask yourself: what is my goal for speaking right now? Who does this comment serve?  Challenge yourself to spend one week communicating FOR THE SAKE OF OTHERS… and notice what changes in your relationships.

When I experience this kind of communication, something simple and pure brings me back to touching memories from my childhood. For example, I carry a vivid joyful memory of me at 5 years old dancing at a cousin’s wedding. I remember thinking that I was sure that me dancing would make somebody smile, so I kept on doing it for several hours. It wasn’t good or bad dancing… it just was me dancing. I was giving it away as a gift to anyone and everyone who might have happened to pass by.

Can you find a memory of that early time in your life when self-consciousness hadn’t yet set in? Do you remember what it was like to act, speak and move without censorship, as though you knew others would delight in your contribution no matter what?

How old were you before you forgot that life is about Giving it Away… as a Gift?

It’s not that we want to. No. If you asked me, of course I’ll tell you I just want to be myself. But the “shoulds” are so ingrained and so automatic that much of the time we are running someone else’s movie script in our lives without the benefit of our own awareness.

We’re addicted to should. I should smile, should be professional, should speak up, should slow down, should lose weight, should be more understanding, should have already left the house by now, should stand up for myself, should have tried harder, should – damn it – SHOULD know how to do this already! For many of us, it’s a way of life that we practice without thinking.

For example, think about the last time you went to work, took a class, or did your favorite movement practice…  Name one way you weren’t really letting yourself be.

Was it easy?

This week I invite you to practice allowing what is.

No. I IMPLORE you to do it. Give yourself this wonderful gift. Begin today and make the commitment for the next seven days to absolutely surrender to the person, place and thing you are in any given moment.

In your movement practice, it might look like trusting and honouring your own physical body. Does your knee hurt? Don’t do the deep knee bends, even if the teacher says, “Now go deeper!” Just be where you are. Do you feel overweight, over tired or hung over? Ok. Start there. Rather than try to change it, surrender. What would it be to dance (swim, bike, run, stretch) in this body, just as it is? And just for good measure, open your eyes and look in the mirror.

In life, you might start by noticing all the times you apologize. “I am sorry…” for being me, just as I am, in this moment. Take those three words out of your vocabulary for the next seven days. Or, if you catch yourself using them, you might say to yourself something like, “no, I am not sorry. It’s just who I am right now. Perhaps tomorrow I will decide to do things differently and be happy about that. But today, this is me.”

One of the biggest reasons it’s difficult to change our physical body is that we spend very little time in genuine relationship with it. The same goes for our bad habits and counterproductive behaviors. Allowing what is doesn’t mean giving up or not caring about some change that may need to take place. Allowing what is is actually the FIRST STEP that we never allow ourselves to take.

In Authentic Relationship,

LeeAnn

Imagine for example that you’ve met a lover for the very first time. You live in two different towns, work in two different offices, and lead two very different lives. Yet the chemistry is undeniable. What happens next? It is as though the two of you are standing on opposite sides of a large room, looking across at one another. The other person person makes an advance: “I will take a few steps forward and I invite you to do the same.” The very next thing that happens can go any number of ways. For example, you too might take a couple of steps forward. Or, you don’t take any steps and you wait to see if the lover will advance again. Perhaps you don’t move because you are busy, or because you are shy. Perhaps you don’t move because you don’t yet know how to take that kind of step. Whatever the reason, you haven’t met them in their first advance.

The lover then has a risky choice to make. Do they advance again? Or do they hold their ground. The danger of advancing is the risk of potential rejection. Maybe you don’t love them after all. The danger of not advancing is a missed opportunity. Maybe you love them, but require them to come closer before you are able to step forth yourself.

This dance continues for several days, weeks or months as trust is built. Then, at some point, perhaps the lover goes too fast or too far, and suddenly you are confronted by the wall of your own limits. These limits may represent your belief system, your core values, or your important life goals. Although it’s tempting to avoid the risk of losing connection by continuing to step forward silently, something inside is screaming, “Halt!” The very next step has the potential to be remembered as a moment of self-betrayal.

How many times have you ignored the inner cry and stepped forth anyhow?

Hindsight is 20/20, yet in the moment we often falter. In retrospect, we realize a few minutes later (or hours, or days) that we should have been bold enough to take a stand for our own needs. The result at best is discomfort, at worst anger or frustration with the lover for “pushing me too far.”  A lifetime of these missed opportunities to stand up for ourselves can lead to chronic frustration, resentment, depression and in some cases beginning to forget who we are.

What is it to take a stand? In the 1979 film Norma Rae, a minimum wage worker in a cotton mill joins the efforts to unionize her shop. In one scene she writes the world UNION on a piece of cardboard and stands on a table. The posture of her physical body at that moment exudes confidence and determination. The image serves as a striking example of both the power and challenge of taking a stand.

This week in your movement practice, I invite you to focus more awareness on the steps and stances that you take. Whether you walk, jog, dance, practice yoga or martial arts, there are likely built-in moments of movement and moments of stillness. If you pay attention, you can use them to cultivate the qualities you hope to bring into your life.

For example, when you step, notice if you initiate the step with confidence. Do you move with grace, or do you hurry? Do you cover enough ground? Too much? Are you able to step with your eyes open and engaged with the world around you? Or do you look down at your feet? Do you truly take one step at a time, or are you a person who moves on to the next one before the first step has fully completed.

When you stand, notice your balance, your posture and your poise. Do your feet solidly hug the ground? Do your ankles feel strong and stable? Is your weight centered over the base of your body? Are you rigid and inflexible, or simply solid and grounded? What would it take to create more stability and strength in your stance?

In life, draw the parallel with a body-based metaphor. If you are the person who takes super small steps in your Latin dance class, it’s worth asking yourself the question: are there places in my life where I tend to hold back, and where I’d do well to take a “bigger step.”  If in your BodyFlow or yoga class, you notice it’s always challenging for you to stand strongly in a one-legged posture without wavering, you might ask yourself: are there topics in which I tend to second guess myself, and are calling upon me to “take a stronger stand” in my life?

When I need to remind myself of this important skill, I often think of the example of Norma Rae because it gives a whole-body visceral impression. Though I pride myself in being a person who knows how to take a stand when it comes to things I am passionate about in my career, I know that it’s much more challenging for me in the realm of the heart. This Valentines Day week I am aiming to deepen my appreciation for the importance of steps and stances in the context of intimate relationship. As I practice, I am learning that what’s often required is a true balance between the two, the achievement of which still strikes me as nothing short of a miracle…

The wonderful miracle called love.